Not My Baby

[My friend loved her Yorkie mix: source]

Several months ago, a friend of mine and I went to pick up a puppy for her. We both bonded with this little one on our trip. Her youngest human child is a teenager. This puppy, for her, was her warm and fuzzy comfort. Even as she struggled with the trials of carrying her family's burdens, working full time, being there for everyone, her puppy, Kiki, was there for her. She faithfully followed my friend around and lay her head on my friend's feet. 

[The highway claims another victim: source]

Then, one day, a family member let Kiki out but didn't make sure she came back in. They live on a highway, and they'd seen her play there before. So they always had to make sure that Kiki came back. One day, That family member didn't see Kiki come back but also didn't tell anyone else Kiki didn't come back. The next morning, they found little Kiki dead on the highway. 

[Gateway to loss: source]

It reminded me of my Harmoni. We live near her on the same highway. When we first moved into our house, we had a dog get hit on the road. After that, we built a security fence around the backyard to make sure no other dogs followed suit. But one day, we forgot to make sure the gate latched. It didn't, and Harmoni led another dog of ours on a merry chase onto the Highway. The only way I survived was through turning to prayer and listening to spiritual music. It was hard. 

[How to mourn with compassion; source]

But the compassion I learned from losing my little, gray puppy to the highway prepared me to be there for my friend when she did the same. I just listened to her talk and gave her a shoulder to cry on without judging, criticizing, or blaming. Kiki's loss hurt my heart for my sake, but more than that, for her. She was able to get through with my help but also with the help of foster puppies she took in soon after her loss. She very carefully avoided ranting at the family member whose actions led to Kiki's death. She set an example for me of how to mourn with grace and kindness even as she was hurting so badly inside. I'll have to remember to follow her lead if ever it happens to me again. I pray I nedver have to follow her example. 

Grief Delayed

 

[Vernal=Dinosaurs: source]

As I said last time, the fourteenth anniversary of my baby's death came and went at the end of June. We went to Vernal to be anywhere but home on that day because both of my living kids dig dinosaurs, and Vernal is a monument to the dinosaurs found there. It was a four-hour drive. Last year, the day passed by because we were so busy that it didn't even dawn on me that it was that dreadful day until the night came. I thought we were passing through the 28th, when it was really the 29th. This year, I knew it was the 29th, but my mind and heart were still numb. I cried a few tears over the signs on the wall in our lovely Air BnB three-bedroom house we were staying in that mentioned reunions and missing those we love. 

[Baby book; source]

But I had forgotten the baby book that punches through my numb haze of the day every year. The next day, I brought it out and shared it will child 2.0 and my husband. Child 2.0 usually passes on being there, but it was good, even if there was no response except in me. I cried, as I usually do. 

[Empty cribs; source]

But the real cleansing tears didn't strike me until the next day when a friend told me about someone she met who had just lost a baby under somewhat similar circumstances. My friend is what we call "a member of the club," the empty arms club. She has had two miscarriages.  

[Chasing the baby at the end of the rainbow; source]

The story really struck her because it made her contemplate what it would be to lose a child she had once held. She told me about her experience with something I haven't been through like she has. I had about 17 miscarriages (give or take--I've lost track), one before and the rest after my baby died. Alli was the only rainbow baby I ever had, the only baby I've carried to term after a loss. But she'd given up on hope. She was sure, even after the baby was born and had started to grow, that she was going to lose her at any time. That daughter has recently hit her 21st birthday, and most of that time, my friend was sure she'd lose her. It took me several more losses to accept when I was expecting, I was expecting a loss, not a baby. After my first miscarriage, I was confident my next baby would be born. She was. But Alli was the last one, and I lost her, too. My friend taught me that there's another level of loss I hadn't endured on that level. And it was good to cry together. 

[Grief; source]

Loss takes several faces and has several effects on one's life and one's heart. I used to embrace the five stages of grief, a comforting uniformity of what one can expect after loss. But my own experience shows me otherwise. There is no uniformity, no predictable stages of grief. One can experience multiple emotions at once, or one can experience them in any order or skip several of them. There's no right or wrong way to experience grief, and it can be hurtful to try to force our own expectations on others' emotional responses. Grief is a nightmare, a pain, a wild and uncontrolled ride that takes us out of our regular path and leaves us feeling things we can't predict or expect. All we can do is be there for others and embrace those who are there for us. 

Alli's Angelversary Sneaking upon Us Again

[Her angelversary's coming.]

'Tis the season to dread the end of the month. Alli would be 14 now had she lived. We'd be sending her to high school in the fall. Wow, that's depressing. Instead, we're once again planning the trip to be anywhere but home on the 14th anniversary of her death. This time, we're planning a trip to Vernal because both of my living kids love dinosaurs. We'll be leaving for that brief trip in a few days. 

[Ghost Town, Montana: sourcesource]

Last year, we went to Montana. It was a fun trip except that one of my kids forgot meds, which resulted in insomnia and a total emotional breakdown just as we arrived in the ghost town, our destination. It's also hard when our two kids have to sleep in the same room since one snores, and one is a light sleeper. The trip was fun otherwise, especially the stay in the cabin. I even got the days mixed up and wasn't aware the day had passed until it was over. So it was a mixed bag of a trip.  

[Fossils: source.]

This year, that same child is on better meds, and we're in an Air BNB with enough rooms for everyone. Plus, you know, dinosaurs. So, I'm hoping the distraction kind of trip may help. As long as I don't think too much, I should be okay. Sadly, on days like the angelversary, I almost always think too much. 

A New Death Overshadows My Angel's Birthday

 

[Dreading my angel's birthday.]

I was dreading the approach of my angel Alli's 14th birthday on March 2nd. It often comes with heartbreak and pain that even time and distance don't remove. We look at a baby book of my sweet Alli. It takes us through her four-month life, through the pregnancy with ultrasound images of her, of the kids kissing my belly, of her new, 5 lb 13 ounce, gosling-honking newborn form. Those bright, glorious pictures of her tiny, blue-eyed form take us through our adventures with her, her siblings laying on tummy time with her, her older sister bonding with her, her parents and grandparents holding her with joyful faces. The day at three months when the neighbor taught her to smile. 

[Newborn Alli.]

The pictures didn't show the pain and the heartache we went through with a miscarriage before she finally came. The pictures don't show how much we worked to bring her here alive, with trips every 1-2 weeks from 17 weeks to a hospital 45 minutes away to have a flurry of ultrasounds done to make sure the Kell antibody that plagued the pregnancy didn't suck her dry, as it could have. There's so much of her short time here that the pictures don't show, but they do end with her face frozen in death, her too-tiny casket lying in the ground. They do end with warm letters of condolences. My soul always grows cold when we get to that point. I end our visit with Alli in sobs every time. Then, we eat angel food cake to celebrate her birth. We did that this year, but I just felt numb for all of it. Maybe because it was already in the shadow of a more recent loss. In four more months, we will commemorate her death. 

[Jurassic Park; source]

As we often do, we planned to go somewhere for one of her significant dates. I hate to be in my own head on those days. We planned to celebrate our other second child's birthday by heading to a dinosaur museum with friends. A snowstorm made that impossible, which devastated my teenager. The loss of that anticipated event overshadowed Alli's birthday. We were at least able to watch "Jurassic Park" together, which was something. It's been a long time since we all watched any kind of movie together. 

[My dad when I was a kid.]

But a bigger shadow still overcast the whole thing. Thursday morning, we got the call we knew was coming, My father had passed away. We've seen it coming. He was diagnosed with dementia 10 years ago. Over that time, he went from being a strong, confident man who led his family with an iron fist to a jolly lump on the sofa. He went from being stressed and angry about the burden of adulthood to smiling at everyone, having no idea who they even were but loving them anyway. 

[The jolly lump and his dog.]

As he shed the weight of his memory, he shed his anger, his fear, his worry and was just happy to be fed, given Dr. Pepper, snuggled by his dog, taken care of my mother, and entertained by his TV shows. He just wanted comfort. At the very end of his life, my mother could no longer care for him as she had, so we put him in a care facility. He wasn't happy about it, but we didn't have any other choice. And that's where he passed away, a full ten years after dementia set in. He was always difficult, whether the tyrant or the jolly lump, but now, my mom is kind of a lost soul. He gave her purpose, even if the purpose made her miserable most of the time, but now, she's alone. 

[Carrying the weight of death: source]

All of these things have made this last week so difficult. But at the same time, I don't feel it all acutely. Maybe I'm in shock or just burned out from life, but I don't feel any of this as deeply as I'd expect. As anyone would expect. I feel bad for not feeling worse about losing my father. I feel bad about not fully getting to commemorate Alli's birthday and not really feeling what I did. I know these are irrational emotions, but emotion is usually irrational. It is what it is. I do know families can be together forever. That helps with all of this loss. Maybe the upcoming funeral will make me feel anything other than numb. 

A January of Loss

[Loss in threes.]

What is it about losses coming in threes? Not all of them are mine, just ones that have affected my life in some way, however mild. The first one came on New Years Day. This was the loss that affected me most personally, but it wasn't the last. 

[Dodger fades.]

We were told three and a half years ago that Dodger, the purebred Pomeranian I bought 12 years ago, was dying. They didn't really expect him to survive the year. As he kept chugging along, inflated heart, clogged lungs, and collapsing trachea and all. When he first came to me, he was a strapping young guy, full of life. But I got him just after I'd lost my baby. The day I got him, I set him down to go potty, and he took off into the night. We were sure he was a goner because we lived on the highway, but we found him two miles down a different road, happily settled with a population of cats. I had a dream around that time in which he was a were baby, switching back and forth from female baby to Pomeranian. The translation is pretty transparent. He was the first dog I ever had to make it into my heart. And here we were, 3 1/2 years after we were told he was dying, feeling like we'd have him forever. Then, suddenly, I'm pretty sure that burdened heart gave out. Over two days, leading up to New Year's Day, he faded away. He breathed his last in my husband's arms. The house has felt emptier without him. 

[Foreshadowing; source.]

A week or two later, we had a scare. My dad fell four times in one day and started to refuse food there in his care center. He was fairly unresponsive, just like Dodger at the end. I even put family members on alert, in case this was the end. It made me want to reach out more to his first family, his first set of kids with the hopes of building bridges. We don't know them well, so it seems like the time to change that. It wasn't the end. He came back. But he has lost his will to live. I don't expect him to be here much longer. When he does breathe his last, I will write about him. But for now, he is still chugging. He's not one of the three. 

[Saying goodbye; source]

Just after that, Theresa, my good buddy of 16 years and next-door neighbor, lost her beloved grandma. She, too, had been expecting that loss. But expected loss has its trials, just like unexpected loss. Even when you know it's coming, it still hurts. She went to a funeral in each of two areas to be with family. I watched her loss from a distance, but I felt her pain. I was there for her. Each person's voyage is different, but loss gives us an understanding on some level of the pain of loss. 

[Her time came; source]

Two days ago, I received news that Ree, my best buddy from my early undergrad days, lost her battle with cancer. I'd watched with growing concern the reports of one treatment after another, one day after another that brought new pain, new hardship to her and her family. I watched from a distance, praying for them, but I feel like I should have reached out toward the end, should have reforged that connection we once had. But it didn't seem possible it was the end. I'd had a lot of friends and family survive cancer. This seemed like it would be one of those. Vibrant, exciting Ree who brought sunlight into my lonely, solitary existence of my freshman year of college at Vassar couldn't die. But she did. She's gone, and her husband, also a friend from that time, is so bereft. They were best friends until the end, and he is a lost soul without her. 

[Loss is individual; source]

Each person's voyage of loss is so different. I turn to the Lord in the face of loss, but not everyone does. Whether loss is expected or not, it tends to be hard, sometimes life-changing. It can be destructive or constructive and everything in between. Some people seek to be busy. Some seek out others. Some just want quiet to just feel or just be. Some people fall apart. It's easy to think that life as we know it is the norm. But change, loss, and pain are such a part of that. As they say, tomorrow is not promised. The best we can do is be there for each other, especially in loss, to not judge or tell someone how to grieve, how to face loss. Tell me about something someone has said to you that has helped you in the face of loss. How did it help you?

Burnout for Christmas

 

[A gift for my angel; source]

When Alli died, I threw myself into work and anything I could do to avoid thinking. Come the holidays, I jumped into as much service as I could think of. We wrote down the nice things we did for other people and put them in a bottle. On Christmas morning, we read back over the service projects we did as a gift to my angel. 

[Observing what remained of my holiday spirit; source]

Last year, on sleeping medication that did not do me any favors for a year and a half, I crashed and burned out. I got sleep but lost my fire. I didn't have it in me to much enjoy the holidays, let alone help others do so. The fact that the economy turned my income from comfortable to surviving did not help matters. But we still managed to squeeze a few things in, still did a few things to help others. 

[The results of recovering my fire.]

I got off those meds and onto some that left me able to sleep and with enough ambition to work on jump-starting my writing career. I spent the late summer and fall writing and churning out books and putting them on Amazon, including the first in my novels for kids (Doomimals Book 1) as well as helping my boy get the first of his books out (Misadventures of the Just Us Chickens). We've sold some but are working on figuring out how to advertise. And now, I'm back to burnout between all the writing, a full-time job, and a part-time job. 

[Looking through the boughs darkly.]

The holiday used to be so hard because I felt the gaping hole where my youngest child ought to be. Songs about babies, pregnancy, and angels didn't help. Now, it's the burnout, two years running. Burnout is hard over the holidays because everything feels harder. The year has flown by so fast that it doesn't feel like we ought to be doing this all over again. I've slogged through the season so far, not deeply mourning but not excited about the little things. It doesn't help that others in my house feel the same. So, it's with a sense of duty and guilt that I still push myself to do something. I decorated the tree minimally because I was doing it alone. Wrapping is no longer a joy, so I trot out the tired, wrinkled gift bags and shove things in, sans Christmas music. 

[True meaning; source]

I'm trying to ignite that holiday spirit by reminding myself of the true meaning, the birth of the Savior. I've been listening to Christmas music, but only the stuff that won't automatically feel stale. Which is hard to find sometimes. Hint: shopping in stores doesn't do it. Pentatonix continually produces more unique versions and styles. The Tabernacle Choir often teams with fun performers like Muppets. Josh Groban makes me happy. Lindsey Sterling and Jackie Evancho are on the playlist for today. I'll be focusing on spiritual Christmas and spiritual songs and messages today. They help to bring in the Spirit and also the true spirit of Christmas. I'm still looking for service ideas on a budget. I know that will help, too, because nothing brings the Spirit faster than helping others. Feel free to share what helps you enjoy the holidays. Maybe something you say will help. I'll survive the holiday. I'd just like to survive it with a smile and maybe some memories that will last. 

Someone Else's Angelversary

[We miss you, Gillaire.]

Three years ago, toward the end of October, my friend died of COVID. I'm fairly certain I blogged about it then. The other day, I realized we were coming upon her angelversary. My heart bled for her other friends and family, those who love and remember her fondly. She was so young, a little younger than I am now. She had always seemed so strong and resilient. She went through so much, including the loss of both of her beloved parents, legal trouble, housing situations, and so much more. It seemed like she would always be around. 

[How I met Gillaire.]

Just under two decades ago, I went into my master's program and was embraced with open arms to a group of friends, including the man who would become my husband. At the heart of that group of friends was Gillaire. She was a firecracker, full of zest for life and love. She loved everyone around her. Other people came and went from that group, but Gillaire was always a constant. 

[Cali and Gillaire, a matched set.]

Then, that group of friends moved onto other locations. We stayed in touch as much as we could. Gillaire even came to live with us a couple of times when she wasn't able to find somewhere else. She made our times together fun. That second time she stayed with us, she brought with her a dog for whom she lived. During that time, we worked together on a picture book, "Cali the Silly Frenchie Goes for a Walk." The stunning photography in it was hers. She loved photography, and this book showcased that. As her angelversary crept up on us, I redid that book so as to showcase her photography better. For a few days, you can see a copy for free if you click that link. We had also planned to put together more Cali books but never did. With the permission of her sister, I also put together a set of three books, including the one above, all about Cali, Cali the Silly Frenchie Collection. That, too, is free for now. Afterward, any proceeds will be offered to her sister. 

[Remembering Gillaire.]

I made a point to get a copy of it to both her sister and her beloved roommate. I was most of all thinking of them as I put these together, as well as of all the people who loved her. It seemed like the only thing I could do to pay tribute to my friend who was so steady and so loyal to everyone who loved her, plus this blog. There were so many. So many who feel her loss even these three years later. Shen she left us, she left a hole in all of our lives. I know she's back with her parents. I know she'll hold Cali again. In the meantime, Cali happily stays with that beloved roommate and seems happy. I'm so thankful I got to have Gillaire in my life. If you know her, feel free to comment here to remember her.