The Side Effects

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When I lost Alli, I dealt with a lot more than an emotional hole in my heart.  I never thought about how the loss of a breastfed baby would result in soreness, infection, and physical pain that constantly reminded me of my emotional pain.  I never thought about how food would taste like dirt or salt for weeks.  I never considered that the thoughtful gift of live or cut plants would just depress me because I would have to watch them die.  

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Nor did I even once imagine that my brain would become like a leaky hose.  I can turn it on at full blast, and I get very few results.  Any question that starts with, "Do you remember" will inevitably result in a blank look by me.  I can't remember what I did five minutes ago, and it's been almost nine years since I lost her.  I used to be a bit spacy.  Now, I remember very little. Apparently, for someone who has had a recent loss, these symptoms---forgetfulness, confusion, and a difficulty concentrating--are normal.  For some of us, these symptoms don't fade in a hurry.  My husband is the same.  We both tell each other things with the hope that one of us will have a synapse fire at the right time.  Occasionally, it even works.  

[Small coffin.  Huge impacts that don't quit.]

But those aren't the only symptoms one might experience with grief.  You might be numb, bitter, preoccupied with loss, and straight up depressed beyond the ability to feel joy.  Right after he lost her, my husband stared at the shower for three hours, unable to summon the energy to get in.  That was the day he decided he needed help.  Your grief might even come out in physical symptoms like gut issues, fatigue, chest pain, soreness, and headaches.  It wouldn't surprise me if my older girl's frequent complaints of a mix of the above all traced back to the loss of her baby sister.  

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Grief strikes people differently and at different times.  It's a crazy rollercoaster that doesn't quit.  It just occasionally slows down long enough for you to take your breath.  For me, the symptoms have slowed to a manageable level.  I was told by a counselor just after we lost Alli that if your crazy rollercoaster gradually moves on an upward slope, you're normal.  You're okay.  If, however, your rollercoaster is all tipped downward with no ups for your downs, it's time to call someone and get help.  Grief is just a rough journey.  No one should have to face it alone.  Just know that you're not alone.  Many of us are in the same boat, the same rollercoaster, the same insanity.  It's all normal, even when it doesn't feel like it is.  We're all in it together.