A Different Kind of Loss

[Too much house]

For years, we've been trying to get my mother to let go of their house of 17 years because she couldn't afford it, and it was too much house for her, a huge 5-bedroom with two levels and a large yard.  She and my dad bought it when she still had adult children moving out and back in, when grandkids were on the horizon, when they sometimes needed to house whole families.  Since then, all families have moved away, all need for more space is gone, and their five-bedroom house has been occupied by a couple who couldn't keep it up and generally went other places for family reunions and visits.  Oh, and it was also filled with 50ish years of hoarded stuff, including the corpses of a recently exterminated roach population and live mice.  Most large appliances were on their last legs, all sinks leaked, and it just really needed an overhaul.  Yet, still, they clung to what they know, the misery and discomfort that had become comfortable.  

[Huckster at the door-source]

A couple of years ago, they signed on the dotted line with a huckster who hustled them into a contract for a new roof they didn't need (and that left their house leakier) and solar panels that never did or would do them any good.  Then, my mother lost her job as a substitute teacher for being too nice.  They're both pushing 80.  Letting her go from a thankless job was really the most merciful thing they could have done.  But it still left them in a lurch, unable to afford to live.  I had my parents apply for additional help from the VA, since my dad was Navy in his heyday, but all it left them was confused and frustrated.  

[A new house--theirs is smaller--source]

We as their adult children were finally able to pool our resources to get a conservatorship for my senile father earlier this year.  A short time later, my realtor husband found the perfect house for them in a 55+ community locally, so we can care for them.  It took some doing, but we were finally able to talk my parents into selling their old house, with all its aches and pains, in order to move into the new house on the reverse mortgage my dad coveted in his more capable days but could never get because his house wasn't valuable enough until recently.  

[home love-source]

Dad saw the house and fell in love.  His whole adult life as a tv repairman, he was dreaming and scheming for ways to feel like he'd succeeded, like he'd made it.  This beautiful, plush, new house with its active social community, including weekly movies and a pool, was what he'd always dreamed of, even if his old dreams have fallen into a muddle of endless tv watching.  He's gone gung ho at this whole thing because it's all he's wanted, and it probably felt like a light burden because we didn't let him deal with any of the work or stress.  He just couldn't.  

[A mountain of stuff like this, only bigger. Source]

Mom, meanwhile, has had to deal with the loss of countless boxes of stuff they just couldn't fit into their new house.  For a person who has clung to every broken hanger, every ripped shirt because it gave her a sense of power she never had in her marriage, this is a rough loss.  Also, she was comfortable in her discomfort in the old house.  It gave her a place to be, a sense of community, even if much of that sense of community dissolved in COVID when she couldn't go anywhere.  We found an investor willing to give her a near-full-price offer in cash, and her house sold. We had it set up to where they should have moved directly from one house to another, but because of a snag in new law and regulations, they've been surfing our sofa (guest room) for almost a week, feeling even more lost and more dispossessed because they were homeless.  

[moving day-source]

Now, they're ready to move into their new house (hopefully) today, which is amazing.  This is the day for which I've been praying for years now, the day when my parents will get to move into their new home with no mortgage, funds to settle debts (which we'll deal with, as we did with ours), and just live.  All the leaky faucets, mouse and cockroach infestations, debts, broken windows, extra junk, etc. will be things of the past.  Mom and Dad can now live whatever life they want to live.  But I have a hunch they'll both feel a little lost.  Mom's whole life has been filled up with fretting over money, broken faucets, her stuff, her weeds, etc.  Now, she doesn't even have to do her own yard work, deal with her debts, anything.  It seems the best kind of loss. 

[When it is all gone.  Source]

Yet it will still be a loss.  Having their kids move out over the years has been a loss, though we often get together.  Losing her job of almost 30 years was a loss, leaving her life empty of something meaningful to do and people (other than Dad) to fill her world.  Losing her old house was a loss because it was their world for 17 years.  Now, even moving into a new house free of busywork will also feel like a loss.  She'll be forced to CHOSE how she spends her time, and it's probably been a long time since she felt she had that kind of choice (though she's really had it all along).  We'll be there for her.  I'd like to think we've given her the opportunity to learn joy.  I know Dad is just joyful at the idea of moving into a house that makes him feel like he's made it.  But can Mom overcome all this loss and find joy?  I pray so, but I guess we'll find out.