On June 29, as it does every year, the Angelversary came. My brother had just had a close brush with death when a car hit him while he was on vacation. He's recovering now and will probably go back to full functionality at some point, which is a miracle. Mortality was fresh on my mind as I entered the Dreaded Date. I'd been keeping so busy that I was mostly able to ignore it until it came upon us. I had one brief crying bout the night before when Mom called and in the morning when I was posting my dread and her pictures on FaceBook. Mostly, I had held up well. But I knew the real tears were yet to come. They had to be. It's part of mourning and loss.
After that, we were finally able to go back to the temple on Alli's day. It's either been on a weekend or during COVID for the last free-flow years. It was good to be able to do that for her, and I thought of her as we did it.
Then, after that, it was all about keeping our minds off the pain, as we do every year. We've been to Lava Hotsprings, Craters of the Moon, Bear Lake, Yellowstone National Park, and several other places on that day, doing anything but stay home and stew. This time, we went up the canyon near our house and rented a four-wheeler for almost four hours, taking a couple of cousins with us. Most of it was an adventure as we shot up dirt roads, inhaling dust, as we saw sights like a plane crash zone and an obscure lake we'd never seen before since they are so far off the beaten path. It was boring and fun by turns. I think my favorite part, other than spending time with family, was smelling the wildflowers, fields and fields of them with a medley of pungent aromas.
It wasn't until we got home, and I pulled out Alli's baby book that the tears flowed freely. They hit like a wall, all the way through her book with her happy face and bright eyes. The worst part was when I got to her cold, waxen face and that tiny coffin. Just twenty or so pages in. Too short a time. I lost it and cried harder than I have in a long, long time. But they were good tears, healing tears. Even with the ending, it will still go down in memory as one of the better angelversary days because we spent it together, I didn't have to mourn another death, and starting the day with the temple visit reminds us we will hold her again and be together forever.
