In years past, I survived the holidays by reaching out and trying to make others' holidays as bright as possible. I've given out used toys, donated money and gifts to friends and family above and beyond the normal, sometimes providing all the gifts and food same families needed, bought gifts for children with charity organizations, and just looked for ways to serve, so I didn't have to ponder my pain. I helped pull my extended family together for the holidays, including the gift exchange.
I wanted to give through the rest of the year, too, to help, to be kind. A few years ago, we built a house for my sister with her promise that she would help build it, pay regularly, take care of it, and be grateful. All that started to fall apart almost immediately but finally entirely collapsed recently. For the first time in years, we won't have my sister and her kids around for the holidays. In the end, it feels like our sacrifice cost me a sister. And it hurts.
For 12 years, I've seen all this service as a gift to my angel. I would write up any service item we did through the year and especially around the holidays and put them in a bottle. We opened that bottle every year on Christmas day as my angel baby's Christmas present.
This year, it feels like we just did this, that the year has flown by so much that I just put together all the details for the holidays a week ago. I've been burned out since February. Even a summer break didn't help. I just don't know that I have the energy or ambition to be that holiday hero for everyone this year. I feel like I've been carrying so many through the years. And it just feels too heavy this year. All I want to do is the minimum. Let others carry it for a while. We had a family reunion recently, and I didn't have to do much other than show up. It was so nice.
I don't know that I'm being selfish or just need a break. Maybe both. I don't know that this holiday season will be better because I'm not seeking more than I can carry. I'm hoping next year, my energy will be back. My drive to serve others and love those who need to be loved above and beyond will be back. Right now, it's all I can do to carry myself and my immediate family. For now, that will have to be enough.
