Feeling a Kinship

 

[Celebrity; source]

I'm not one to be excited about celebrity. Yeah, I see them, know about them like anyone else. I have my favorites. But I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it. But when I hear about a celebrity losing a child or being a member of The Empty Arms Club, someone who has lost a child, I immediately feel a sense of kinship with them. It doesn't matter who they are, whether they be a massive Hollywood celebrity or a minor singer. I immediately feel empathy and a connection with them because of the loss of my baby. 

[Death, the great equilizer; source]

Loss seems to be the great equilizer. We, as humans, are so different in so may ways, with money, position in society, careers, health, gender, race, etc. But when loss hits, we all experience much of the same pain, many of the same emotions, much of the same grief. Everyone experiences loss differently and deals with mourning in an individual way. But there are definitely similarities. 

[Grief; source]

I'm not a believer in the "Five Stages of Grief" because there's nothing stage-like or predictable about how grief hits. Based on my experience, we can be hit with anger, numbness, etc. in rapid succession or even all at once at the same time. From what I understand, there's no real scientific evidence that these stages have any basis in truth. When I first heard them after I lost Alli, I held to them like a lifeline, found comfort in them because I knew once I hit that end stage, the pain would be over. But I can find peace a joy briefly then be launched back into the maelstrom. From what I've seen in others, I'm not alone. Grief is unpredictable, uncontrollable, and life-changing. no matter who you are and how you experience it. 

[Reaching out; source]

Grief builds a connection between humans. It can be very isolating, but it can also teach us to be more understanding of others' experiences if we let it. We can feel a connection with anyone else over our pain and our loss. The question is what are we going to do about it? Are we going to allow that empathy to teach us how to reach beyond ourselves to others who have lost?

Watching Another's Loss

[Teddy bear for child loss-source]

Many years ago, I met a fellow traveler, a friend of my sister.  She had one beautiful daughter and had a son who died just before he was to be born.  She impressed me with her firm faith, how she had even spoken to her unborn, how she knew he was right there with her and often saw signs of him all around her.  Her loss was so much fresher than mine, yet she seemed more advanced in the healing path than I was then and even than I am now.  She was a pillar of trust and belief to me, one who just knew she would hold her baby again and who held her angel close to her even as she couldn't hold his physical body.  

[I can't even see her face without pain.]

Meanwhile, I still feel like a lost soul.  The way I survive day to day is to not think of my angel, not look for her, not do the things that give this friend comfort.  Because when I look at images of my beautiful Alamanda, it takes me back down the dark path of thinking of people who tried to steal my family, of DCSF agents who created a false image of us through intentional deceit in order to destroy my family.  It takes me back to those months when I almost lost everything, when those I trusted turned on us, and even family members invented lies to try to tear our world apart.  It's at those moments I realize that part of the pain is still an open wound, that I'm not sure how to go about forgiving those from whom I will never hear an apology.  

[Surrounded by angels-source]

Allamanda's image also brings me back to miracles when the Lord, Himself, promised angels to help us through.  He promised and delivered the words we would need to redeem our names at just the right time. His Spirit in the room brought tears to the eyes of some of those who heard us explain our side of the story and the truth in the face of lies.  It brings me to the moments when the enemy intentionally laid a trap for us, telling us we wouldn't need a lawyer the day we could have gotten one and then sent us the paperwork the very next day, to ensure we would not get the legal aid we needed for that Monday morning.  Yet the Lord sent us someone to defend us. I see the pain, but I also see the miracles.  

[Grudges like poison-source]

These complications do not mean I can't be healed like my sister's friend. But there's a lot of healing that still hasn't happened, likely because I haven't yet figured out how to let the pain and anger go.  I know the theory that keeping a grudge is like drinking poison and waiting for the other guy to die.  Holding onto that pain will never hurt them and only will hurt me.  But just when I think healing is all but there, a trigger slaps me in the face and helps me realize I'm not there yet, even over 11 years later.  

[Expecting..but what to expect? Source]

This friend, after years of miscarriage and loss with which I can relate, finally became successfully pregnant a few months ago.  She posted her joys and her progress with her new and exciting pregnancy.  Her now-teenaged daughter was giddy with delight.  Their little one came...stillborn.  Another angel to join the first and all the ones in between.  And once again, they met the loss with pain but also an outpouring of love, an understanding they will hold this baby, too, again.  

[Another funeral. Source]

I would be destroyed, absolutely destroyed.  I only attend funerals if I can't avoid them.  Maybe I took the coward's path in backing away from loss after loss after loss.  After 15 miscarriages, I realized my body would not carry another baby, so my husband and I prayerfully gave up.  When I realized the sentence "I'm expecting" didn't end in "baby" but ended in "blood," I knew we were not meant to hold any more live children until the Lord comes again.  We accepted the gift of the angels and children we've been given.  We know we'll see them, hold them one day and gave up on the dream of our rainbow. I was delighted this friend would be greeting her own rainbow, having no idea that she'd be having a funeral instead.  

[A candle for death and rebirth-source]

I saw those images of smiling faces as they held heir baby with blue lips and purplish face and knew I'd be shriveling inside. There would be yet another jagged, bloody hole where my heart should be.  I don't know how they do it, especially this time of year.  I know there's so much more to the story than I could ever see or imagine.  I wish I could be joyous like that in the face of loss.  For now, I'll have to be thankful to know such heroes exist and that we can all have hope in holding our loved ones again, thanks to Christmas and the One we celebrate this season. 

Finding Kinship with the Past

[My Kell angel, who left footprints in my heart.]

The nature of my enemy

 When I was pregnant with Alli, my angel, I tested positive for Kell antibodies.  Not just that, but we learned my husband is homozygous for the Kell antibody, winning a most unfortunate and undesirable genetic lottery.  What does this mean?  It means that my body would treat every baby who inherited Kell like a disease, and they were all going to inherit Kell.  We were told 8% of humans have Kell, and of those, 2% are homozygous for it.  Talk about crappy luck.  The body will attack the baby like a disease until he/she becomes anemic and has to be induced or death will result.  The usual pattern for Kell is the first child is born without a problem, then the body becomes sensitive to Kell.  Every baby after that is likely to end up anemic, usually to the point of death.  I read about a study in the 80s.  Of 6 women who conceived with the Kell antibodies, 6 babies were lost.  It's a lot like the Rh- treatment except there is no cure, no treatment, no solution except to watch the baby's skull and transfuse or deliver early.   

[My Kell Antibody Curse]

How it Happened

My boy came without a problem, of course.  My first girl didn't have any problems either.  The only thing I can imagine was that because my boy came a month early and had to be induced, somehow, my body didn't get with the program.  However, by the time Alli came along, she triggered the deluxe treatment.  I had to travel to a hospital an hour away every 1-2 weeks from the 20-week point on, until they induced her at 37 weeks because she was safer out than in.  Of the 15+ miscarriages since, none has made it far enough along to have been affected by Kell.  We wonder if there may be some kind of unknown antibody or other problem they don't test for that caused it.  We'll never know because we've given up the battle.  

[Looking back through family lines]

Looking Back

We watch my husband's family history line for possible Kell.  If they had one or possibly two children, they're great candidates for Kell.  Obviously, since my husband is homozygous, it had to come from both sides, both the Swedish Finn side of his Finnish mother and the Scandinavian/English side of his American father.  We do periodically find a family that makes us think Kell.  Obviously, we'll never know.  

[Henry VIII]

Not My Hero

Imagine my surprise when I was reading up on Henry VIII and learned that some historians believe the main reason he had such a hard time getting heirs from his wives was because of Kell.  He consistently blamed them, especially his first wife, but it was very likely because of him.  I never expected to feel any kinship with this fascinating but notorious historical figure. I can't say this makes me feel empathy for most of what he suffered and/or inflicted on others, often because he blamed them for all that went wrong in his life.  But I do feel this strange connection because I get the struggles of hoping this one, this pregnancy, will be the one, the one you get to hold and raise. I'm not sure how to feel about this connection except that it makes me feel at least a little less alone in the struggles we've had, even if I don't love the company.  I'm just thankful for the two we can still hold and for the knowledge that we'll hold them all again.