Easter

[Not enough baskets: source]

 It's on a holiday like today you notice who is missing. You look over the two dozen eggs and two Easter baskets and wish there were three of each. You'd pay any price to fill that last spot and have it mean something more than an empty gesture. 

[The empty space where her basket ought to be: Source]

It's not that the coming of the holiday messes with my mind and heart, not like the coming of the holiday season. I don't dread it like I do her birthday or angelversary. I often don't even miss that third basket. But today, it's there like a shadow of emptiness. 

[The true meaning of Easter: source]

It's because of my loss(es) I'm thankful for the meaning of Easter, that it reminds us that the Lord suffered and died for my pain and yours, so He would understand our pain and overcome death and hell for us. It's for that reason I can survive every day, knowing I will hold her again, that we'll be a complete family, together forever, one day. I don't know how I would make it through this loss without that knowledge. It doesn't make it easy. But it does make it survivable. 

Easter for Me

[Easter of my childhood-source]

What does Easter mean to you? I meant to get this out on Easter, but it's been a busy week.  I grew up loving Easter mostly because of candy, the Easter Bunny, oh, and as a footnote, a celebration of Jesus.  It was just a fun day, and it showed we were close to summer, closer to freedom.  I imagine I wasn't alone in seeing it that way.  It always seemed like a fun, safe, holiday, not nearly as interesting as Christmas, but still passable.  Christmas, meanwhile, was a good day to remember Jesus, yes, but it was also the most fun time for food, family, and giving.  They were important to me, but I didn't have a clear vision of their purpose. 

[Color gone-source]

Just after I lost my baby, the days transformed.  Christmas, with its songs about babies and giving birth, became painful.  Easter became another day to remember when  I'd held my baby.  I watched the joy in everyone else and wondered where mine was.  They both became days when she should have been there, when a third child should have been reaching for the baskets and candy and eggs to dye.  They were days with big holes in the middle, black holes that sucked the life and color out of days around them.   

[The source of love and joy: source]

Since then, I have been making a study of what brings joy and peace.  And what I've learned is it all comes back to the healing hand of Jesus in my life and the lives of others, whether they're fully aware of it or not.  He is the source of all true peace, all true joy.  Joy is a shared happiness.  Our joy grows when we serve and love together.  Now, I see Christmas and Easter as two ends of the same glorious holiday.  They celebrate how He came into this world as a tiny, helpless little one, willing to grow up like the rest of us and willing to suffer our suffering, guilt, and agony, willing to die in pain, and then overcome death, pain, and sin for us, for each of you, for me, for you.  In these two holidays, we celebrate that our love and our life doesn't end here, that we can have joy in spite of our pain, and that we always have hope in the future.  Now, these days are truly days of shared joy, even when they're painful.  Because of these days, I will be with my angel Alli again and forever. Now that I understand them, these holidays mean so much more.