12th Anniversary

Today is my 12th wedding anniversary.  12 years ago today, my husband and I got married.  I look at pictures of myself then, before 15 child losses in a row, including the loss of my sweet Alli, before the legal complications, before stress and worry filled my 40-year-old face with worry lines.  I see my smile then: how innocent, how carefree, how easy that smile seemed.  I miss that easy way I saw the world, the "it can't happen to me" philosophy I had.  I did not know I would face pregnancies that would be off-the-charts with their risk, including that vicious Kell antibody, a.k.a. the killer antibody that stands in the way of any baby that makes it past first term.

I wonder if I had known then, 12 years ago, what I would face if I would still have moved forward as I have.  I know I would have done some things differently.  But would I have chosen differently when it came to marrying my husband?  I don't think so.  But I think my smile would have been a lot less easy or carefree.  I think it's probably a good thing that we don't know everything that's coming.  Sometimes, we'd rather just not know.  But I know I made the right choice 12 years ago, even with the trials we've been through.  I prayed about it.  My husband prayed about it.  We both knew without a doubt it was right.  And I wouldn't trade my live children for anything.  Sometimes, I just miss my easy smile.  I miss the self I was before I knew hell could happen to me, too.

Survived

I survived another angelversary.  The worst part was the day before when EVERYTHING hurt.  Every other thought hurt because every other thought was about her and about my loss.  The day of, we were so busy between visiting her grave, running errands, going to the temple, playing with cousins, and so many other things that I scarcely thought about the day at all.  So it didn't hurt as much as usual.

But I wonder if this is a good thing or a bad thing.  Surviving with less pain is good, right?  But did I do her justice on her day?  Does doing a lost one justice mean we have to hurt all day for him/her?  That's a hard one.  We remembered her by going to the temple and visiting her grave but missed going through her book because we were so busy.  Was it enough?

I know she wants me to be happy.  I know she hurts with my pain.  Mourning is an individual experience, so only I can decide if I'm doing it right.  But is there such a thing as "right" and "wrong" or is it just about remembering the lost one whether we are in pain over it or not?  I know that healing is about hurting less over the memories.  Does that mean I'm healing or blocking out the emotions?  I don't think there's an easy answer for that.