Into the Face of Mortality

Things were going okay.  We had challenges like anyone else, but our life was okay.  Then, we got the news recently that my husband was borderline diabetic.  People can live okay with managed diabetes, but I've seen and heard of the dangers it can pose to arms, legs, eyes, and overall health.  His brother has lost a lot of vision, likely due in part to his diabetes.  His father and mother also had it, so it's not really a surprise.  However, that doesn't mean it's going to do him any favors.  A young man I heard of recently died due directly to his diabetes.  It's scary stuff.  The best hope he has is to trim off the pounds and control the diet better. 

However, this isn't the worst of the news we've had recently.  We just learned the only sibling my husband feels at all close to was just diagnosed with skin cancer.  He found out about his condition due to miraculous circumstances rather than through careful planning or even intent.  He had no idea it was coming. Skin cancer can be curable, but only if it's caught early enough.  At this point, we can only pray it was.  My niece had cancer a few years ago, when she was little.  She was stage four and yet has been declared cancer free. 

I believe in miracles and guardian angels.  I know my Alli and others watch over me and my family.   I believe that the Savior suffered not just for my sins but also for my pains.  I know He can heal my heart.  However, I also know that the Lord sometimes asks us to undergo hard things.  I've lived many of the last years since I prayed my baby would live on what some have called "but if not" faith.  "Lord, I would like my husband/brother-in-law/baby/etc. to be cured of this malady.  But if not, I will still trust and follow."  It's a hard place to be.  We'd all like to think that all we need to do is pray, and all will be right with the world.  But that's not how the Lord works.  He tries us and blesses us as we strive to follow.  But even the most righteous, wonderful person can still suffer, can still die, can be called on to endure the most miserable trials in faith.  I will pray and even fast for my husband and his brother.  I will trust that things will go as they should, that a Father who cares enough to send us here to grow and become like Him, has our best interests at heart.  If my husband and his brother are healed, we'll show undying gratitude.  But if not, we will still believe and obey and be thankful for our blessings. 

When the Rainbow Fades

So we have a theory about our miscarriages.  Before, I thought that when we gave up on trying to have a baby, the Lord may still send a sweet little one then protect him or her when the time was right.  I've now come to the conclusion that no matter how a baby comes and when, my body will just not support a baby.  In fact, I'm fairly certain I have an unknown medical condition that is taking out the babies.  It may be another antibody.  It may be that my hormones don't kick in.  There's no way to say.  But I had a good two weeks of using the pills the doctor gave me to ward off baby loss--baby aspirin, progesterone, and prostaglandin--and it still did not help.  I still lost the baby at roughly the same time as the later ones of the others.  We can't know what's going on.

But at this point, we can know that my body will not support a baby.  There will be no rainbow baby for me, at least until the Second Coming and the Resurrection.  Then, I will have my army of angels where I can hold and love them.  Until then, I have to be grateful for what I have and continue in the hardest kind of faith, the "but if not" faith.  Elder Simmons of the LDS church described true faith, faith in the Lord that will not be shaken even when our prayers don't seem to be answered as we're hoping.  Lord, I want this.  But if not, I will still trust and believe.  And that is where I live, in the land of but if not faith.  I will not hold a rainbow baby, but I can be grateful for my angels and grateful for the children I can hold.  My peace and joy are both in gratitude.