[My big boy preemie]
Do close calls haunt you as much as they do me, moments when you were either aware of how close you came to loss at the time or considered it later? I've had close shaves in traffic that haunt me for quite a while after. I should have lost my boy because of his fragile umbilical, which broke on its own when he was born a month early (early enough to be called a preemie but big enough that he didn't look it). He could have died had he twisted the wrong way while in the womb. Thoughts of this kind of close call haunt me.
[My perfect (but shouldn't have been) second baby]
My girls were both miracle children as well. My older girl should not have had a picture-perfect pregnancy and delivery due to the Kell antibody, a rare antibody that acts like RH- but with no possible treatment. It treats the baby like a disease in the womb, one which needs to be attacked and killed. Many babies have died of anemia or have had to be induced way early due to anemia. My first daughter was in no way affected but should have been. When I was pregnant with my angel, we found out that we were 100% guaranteed to deal with Kell every pregnancy. Yet it wasn't an issue with my first daughter. Although we drove a 2 hour round trip every 1-2 weeks to the hospital to have my angel observed, she showed no signs of stress. Both little girls were miracle babies because Kell didn't affect them, didn't seem to even touch them. Meanwhile, I'd read a study of 6 women pregnant with Kell babies during the 80s. All six babies died. Mine were untouched.
[My tiny angel who came and went]
[Ambulance ride to remember.]
Now, I'm hypersensitive to close calls. At the end of the summer season when my baby died, my older daughter collapsed in the beach with a grand mal seizure. We were rushed an hour away to the closest hospital. I knew I could have lost her there, but she was preserved.
[traffic]
Close calls haunt me elsewhere, too. If I have that close-call in traffic, it bothers me. When I tripped and fell on a sidewalk, and my head somehow skimmed past a bumper to land between bumper and ground, I knew I could have died. I found out fairly recently a serial killer was working at the same school where I was working in college. He was picking up and murdering women who roamed those streets mere blocks from my campus. That feels like a close call to me. Close calls are scarier than they ever were before because I understand mortality more than I ever did before. I know I'm not in the "safe" land of it-couldn't-happen-to-me. I understand bad things can happen to anybody at any time. Close calls become scarier when you understand the angel if death is not far off for any of us at any time.
[Helping hand]
Which is what makes our guardian angels all the more precious, what makes the protective hand of providence all the more prized. When my daughter walked away after treatment for the febrile seizure with no permanent harm, I was reassured in a blessing that my children had a mission, that they would be preserved until that mission was fulfilled. I know I have a mission, a purpose, here. And I will be here and safe until that mission is fulfilled. There is fear in focusing on close calls but comfort in focusing on faith. At any one time, we can choose to embrace faith, to trust God and know He knows the grand plan. He knows when it is our time to be preserved and when it is our time to be called home. If I trust in Him, He will protect me until my mission is done. It's easy to let fear creep into my mind, to remind me that close calls and loss are around every corner. It's up to me where I allow my mind to dwell. And my life is a lot happier when I trust in the hand of the Lord.
