Survived the Holidays

[surviving a broken heart-source]

Well, we've survived. That sentence wouldn't make sense to those who have never suffered a life-changing loss. To many of those people, it seems the holidays are a time of joy and celebration. However, to those who have experienced a major loss, just surviving the season may mean something. The holidays can feel like a painful weight as we ponder the hole in our hearts where a loved one used to be. It's like walking into their birthday or the anniversary of their death, only it lasts two full months. 

[Angel's Jar-source]

Most years, I survive by actively seeking out ways to serve others, so I could fill my angel jar with slips of paper that represent my gifts to her.  This year, I was so burned out from serving others and work over the last semester that I didn't have it in me to work as hard at it.  I did serve some and still put slips in a jar, but it wasn't as full as usual. I can't help but wonder if some people could have had a brighter Christmas if I tried harder.  But this year, it was all I could do to survive and work on getting as much of a break as I could to try to recover from the very real, tangible burnout.  

[Love from the source]

I did do a few things with friends and family which was nice.  We made some memories.  But once again, it was hard to summon the motivation to work at it.  So it was a peaceful holiday but not quite as fun or memorable as most.  Mostly, though, I'm thankful to have survived and am wondering why I don't have more to show for the two weeks of break.  I'm understanding a bit more of why my kids don't want to do much over the holidays.  They're so burned out from school that anything we do for fun feels like work.  I know the important thing is we did celebrate the Lord and that we did it together.  I'm sure my angels were here, too. I just have to remind myself that I will hold them again and be healed from the hurt because of the gift of the Son.  And for now, that knowledge, and the very act of survival, will have to be enough.