Once upon a time, long before I had a real reason, I took a class on trauma writing. In that class, I learned about the importance of finding a way to express your grief. When I had just lost my brother then (a month later), my baby, I found bottled up emotions were bound to explode at the worst possible times. Some people turn to unhealthy forms of self-medication and sometimes even self-destruct if they don't have some way to express their pain. Some people do both self-expression and unhealthy self-medication. If self-medication feels like a valid option, it's time to turn outward to a professional for help. However, if you feel like you can do okay working with your pain, I recommend finding some form of self-expression as a means to processing grief.
This could take the form of writing as with poetry, memoir, blog, journal, letters to the loved one, true experience encoded in fiction, or any other written form. When I lost Alli, I frequently wrote poetry whenever my emotions spiked for whatever reason. It gave me a place to process what I was feeling inside. Most of those poems will (thankfully) never be read by anyone else. But they were there for me when I needed them. I wrote out the worst of my pain in journals that only descendents may ever read (assuming they can make out my scrawl--there's a reason I type more than I write long hand.) I would sometimes write letters to Alli or my brother, telling them how much I miss them. I have at least one novel waiting to be edited that features a mother losing her baby, which is my encoded experience. Obviously, I also blog. I highly recommend writing privately if you can't handle the idea of your words being read or publically if you think others can find help and hope with your words.
For example, here is an unpolished poem I wrote the day after she died:
06-30-2010
Pain
Blinding, numbing
Burning like a volcano
And clouding out everything
From my vision.
Everything tastes like dirt.
I choke it down to fill the emptiness
But the real emptiness remains.
Everything I see, touch, think about
Links back to chubby toes,
Chunky little legs
Soft little cheeks,
Bright blue eyes
Staring at me from around the breast,
Peach fuzz across the soft head,
Round little bum
Aimed at me for a change
Preparatory to eating.
Where are you, my angel?
I long for you.
My every thought is for you,
Wondering how yesterday could have gone
If I’d have been just a little more careful
With your fragility.
My only comforts,
Your older brother and sister,
Your daddy
And above all knowing one day
You will fill my arms again.
This poem heeds few poetic conventions, but it did capture my pain with imagery you can feel. You don't have to be a great poet to write in ways that express your pain.
[My baby, as an infant and as an angel]
Self-expression can take the form of any kind of art such as sculpture, painting, sketching, or anything else. I had noticed while Alli was alive that she could have been a twin to my boy. When I lost her, I first drew a picture of a baby picture I had of her. I then took an older picture of my boy and turned that image into a girl. That is how my baby probably looks as an angel. I keep those pictures by my bed with the photos. You really don't have to be a master artist to draw or paint or sculpt something that is a tribute to your loved one.
You may also consider music and dance as forms of self-expression. My nephews both write music to their beloved mother, about whom I blogged recently. I have no talent for music, but if I did, I'd probably put some of my poetry to music. You can find many dances on shows like "Dancing with the Stars" dedicated to lost loved ones. You don't have to be a master dancer to dance out your loss and pain.
It's true that some people prefer to bottle emotions up inside or pretend it never happened. But for many people, expressing their pain and working through their grief process and into healing is a helpful thing to do. I recommend you find a way to express yourself if you haven't already. If you'd like, you can share what you make here. If you don't want to share, do it for you. You'll feel better when you do.
