Holidays are always the hardest. I can endure by forgetting most of the time. I survive by keeping busy. I made it okay through the death of another cat, my kittens' mama I'd taken under my wing. I make it through days that are dull or hard or exhausting. I can smile. I can laugh. I can focus on this moment. Then a holiday comes along. And the fineness, the smile, the ability to feel like I'm becoming whole again goes away. And I'm left missing her again. I'm left facing another important day without her here, at least so I can see her. She would have been five and a half, old enough to love the pie and the turkey and hate the green beans and laugh and play with her cousins. And that empty hole that used to have my Alamanda in it feels so empty, so lonely, so lost. I will smile tomorrow. But tonight, this blog sums it up for me: Sad blog.
