Survived her Birthday

[insomnia: source]

I didn't sleep well the night before, in part because I'm an insomniac.  Have been for as long as I can remember.  I've been having really disrupted sleep patterns for no reason I can figure.  It was worse than usual that night, so I spent the day incoherent and exhausted.  Maybe this helped me survive the day.  I could scarcely feel, could scarcely focus.  I trudged through the day like normal, working, teaching. 

[source ]

Without thinking, I'd taken on extra work, even in the evening.  I started to cry a little toward the evening, but it wasn't much.  Just a little around the edges.  Because I had to work at dinner time, I sent my family off on a birthday dinner for Ali.  That's when I cried.  I cried as I worked.  It was all I could do to make it through.  They brought me food, but food wasn't the point. I wanted to be with them.  I scarcely tasted it.  But I did it to myself.  I sent them away.  But I didn't want them to miss out on a family event because I hadn't been thinking when I signed up for work.  A family event on my angel baby's birthday. 

[source] 

We did get to go through my angel's baby book.  We also ate angel food cake.  But I felt like I'd kind of messed up the moment, what would have been her tenth birthday.  And it hurt.  But I knew that hurt was just an echo of the real pain, the loss of my little one.  It was a bad day, a worse night.  But I survived.