Her Tenth Birthday Comes

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Our angel Alli would have been ten in close to two weeks.  In some ways, I can't believe so much time hast past.  In other ways, it feels like the days without her have dragged.  It feels like we should do something special for her tenth birthday, but what?  We usually have an angel food cake and go through her baby book.  It's a sad affair that lasts a short time.  For the angelversary, we escape the house to be anywhere but home, stuck in our own thoughts.  We try to make her birthday a celebration, but it can be hard.  

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Scratch that.  Those two days are the hardest I have to endure, and they come every year.  I feel them creeping up on me like the murderer in a horror movie.  I know they're going to hurt.  They're going to be miserable.  How do you celebrate pain?  We did have four glorious months with her and have had almost ten years without her.  How does one short time change your life so drastically?  I see life as pre and post-Alli.  I am not the same person I was before.  My smile came easier, but I didn't truly understand how fragile life was, that this kind of loss could happen to me.  I will never be that person again.  I've learned a lot of important lessons, but in some ways, I mourn my innocence.  The me that was died that day.  How do you celebrate that?  I guess you'll find out next time.  Because I still have no idea.