Just One Word: To My Friend, Camille

[The card game that triggered; source]

Early in the week, my family was playing Apples to Apples.  It's a fun, harmless game we've often played.  But when the word "funeral" came up, my heart stopped feeling so light.  I've discovered that word, alone, is a trigger. All I have to do is hear it in an unexpected context, and the tears start coming. Ever since we buried my father-in-law, my baby, and my brother all within a few months of each other, and I had to give a speech for the last two, I've sworn off all non-mandatory funerals.  Unless I MUST go due to close friendship or family relationship, I'm NOT going. I can't. If the word alone is a trigger, imagine what the thing, itself, will do.  

[A yellow rose for my friend-source]

Well, this week, a close friend of mine died. I remember well the days we'd chat about family and life in general. She babysat my kids since my boy was almost exactly the same age and shared the same NICU in the same hospital when they were new. I saw her kids grow to adulthood or nearly so. But one day, they found out the end had begun. She had two brain tumors that grew and grew, taking this communication major's ability to speak, then her ability to walk, then made her what is colloquially called a vegetable, where she could scarcely respond to anyone.  I watched her family bear this burden with quiet dignity. All I could do was hug her every time I saw her, and I'd get one of her sweet, angelic smiles in return. 

[A mix of pain and joy-source]

After she passed on, I saw her superhero of a husband, who'd carried her and taken care of her through all of this, smile because she'd gone to a place she could be free of the burden of her body.  The family will miss their wife and mother, but losing her will allow them more flexibility, more life, more of a future. That can sometimes happen, that mix of pain and joy when the loss is a blessing. On that last day they had together, her husband read her valentines made for her by the members of the community who loved her. She left with the words of love of so many ringing in her ears.  

[A funeral for an angel-source]

For this friend, Camille, I will face my least favorite word, that horrible trigger word "funeral."  Just thinking about going brings the tears.  But supporting the family is worth it.  They're angels among us for their sacrifices for her.  And the wonderful Camille deserves all the respect and love her send-off will bring.  It helps knowing this is not goodbye forever but "See you later, dear Camille." 

Survived the Holidays

[surviving a broken heart-source]

Well, we've survived. That sentence wouldn't make sense to those who have never suffered a life-changing loss. To many of those people, it seems the holidays are a time of joy and celebration. However, to those who have experienced a major loss, just surviving the season may mean something. The holidays can feel like a painful weight as we ponder the hole in our hearts where a loved one used to be. It's like walking into their birthday or the anniversary of their death, only it lasts two full months. 

[Angel's Jar-source]

Most years, I survive by actively seeking out ways to serve others, so I could fill my angel jar with slips of paper that represent my gifts to her.  This year, I was so burned out from serving others and work over the last semester that I didn't have it in me to work as hard at it.  I did serve some and still put slips in a jar, but it wasn't as full as usual. I can't help but wonder if some people could have had a brighter Christmas if I tried harder.  But this year, it was all I could do to survive and work on getting as much of a break as I could to try to recover from the very real, tangible burnout.  

[Love from the source]

I did do a few things with friends and family which was nice.  We made some memories.  But once again, it was hard to summon the motivation to work at it.  So it was a peaceful holiday but not quite as fun or memorable as most.  Mostly, though, I'm thankful to have survived and am wondering why I don't have more to show for the two weeks of break.  I'm understanding a bit more of why my kids don't want to do much over the holidays.  They're so burned out from school that anything we do for fun feels like work.  I know the important thing is we did celebrate the Lord and that we did it together.  I'm sure my angels were here, too. I just have to remind myself that I will hold them again and be healed from the hurt because of the gift of the Son.  And for now, that knowledge, and the very act of survival, will have to be enough.