It took me a while to hit upon this major key to happiness and peace. For such a long time, I felt the gaping hole the loss of my little girl left in my life. I still do. But before, I felt that gaping hole as the definition of who I was. Now, it's an important part but not the defining part. I felt the pain of what I didn't have: a rainbow baby to somehow make my loss somehow feel less final. Now, I know the rainbow baby will ever remain just that, the illusion of a baby I will not be holding, a mirage I've been chasing for years without success. I still feel that pain.
But I have come to understand that there is power in focusing not on what I don't have--on the angels I can't hold for now--but on what I do have. I do have two children around whom I can wrap my arms. I have a supportive husband who will hold me when I fall apart with pain. I have faith that the Lord is there, and that my angels are mine forever. That they're watching over me now. I believe in forever families. I have heard of some people so enmeshed in grief that they've totally lost touch with reality. They try so hard to regain what they've lost through irrational means. I gain peace from the knowledge I don't need to be so desperate to hold the shreds of the past because I have a glorious future to anticipate. I know I will hold them again, all of my angels. They are lost, but only for now. There is much to be grateful for in this knowledge.
I know my angels watch out for me. I know the Lord will send his Spirit when I am hurting. For all of this, I can be eternally grateful. Acts 27:23 states, "For there stood by me this night the angel of God, whose I am, and whom I serve." The scripture refers to being in the service of God, not in service of the angel. I, too, can have my angels stand beside me as I serve God. "And thanks be to God for [this] unspeakable gift"(2 Cor 9:15). Gratitude brings me much joy, and I know it can do the same for you.
