I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure my kids' emotional fragility is somehow connected with wounds from losing their little sister early in life. My girl was three, and my boy was five when their little sister was just gone. But I'm pretty sure the insecurities created then still play into their subconscious. The damage festers on, whether they know it or not.
(A boy and his baby sister)
My boy never really bonded. They would do tummy time, but he was upset from the beginning he was getting yet another sister instead of his longed-for brother. He wished her away...then she was gone. He had been asking for a pacman frog just before we lost Alli, then the YouTube videos of pacman frogs eating just about everything small and weak figured heavily in his dreams after my angel died. He no longer wanted one. His own bed terrified him. We had to get a new one, one he's had ever since. He woke at 5 every morning for weeks and couldn't get enough sleep. He finally got settled into better sleep patterns with the help of his doctor, but it was rough. I think the bigger damage was guilt and fear became part of him, deep down inside. Guilt that he had somehow caused her loss. Fear that he could be next.
(A girl and her baby sister)
For my girl, the damage was catastrophic. She adored her little sister. Her whole life circled around the little bundle of pink, the little sister she'd dreamed of, hoped for, and felt a bond with long before Alli came. The day before I even knew I was pregnant, my little girl came and said, "My sister is coming," and nothing could shake her conviction because she just KNEW. Then, for all of Alli's life, she wanted to be right there with her, comparing toes and fingers, asking about what "me-baby" was like. Then, her heart was ripped out when her sister was just gone. She knew without us telling her how Alli had died. We were vague with the kids because we didn't want them afraid to go to sleep, but Alli had told her before she left. Their bond was strong to the end.
(Mourning)
Now, she doesn't remember her sister, really. Neither of them do. We look at Alli's picture book and talk about her sometimes, at least on her birthday and Angelversary. But every time I cried, the kids would get scared and upset. My girl would never want to talk about her sister, even at the time, claiming anytime she cried, it was for her cat that died a short time later. I shared with them my sadness as openly as they would let me. They worked hard to distance themselves from my mourning and from their own. We took them to therapy, but the therapist had ulterior motives for all she did and really did not interact with the kids much. She was eager to fish for evidence against us for the state's fraudulent case, so anything we said or did would show up as "evidence," even objecting to an early morning appointment so the kids could get enough sleep. Despite our best efforts, they got no real therapy. Due to this bad experience, I am in no hurry to subject any of us to more "therapy."
(Fragile peace.)
But I see it in their fragility, especially my girl's. Her immune system is terrible. Part of that was she caught mono over a year ago, but part of that is she's always been that way. It's almost like she feels guilty deep down inside that she lived, while Alli did not. While her brother, the preemie-born child, was going strong, rarely sick, she's caught everything from strep to several colds and flus a year to that case of mono. Emotionally, she's just as fragile. She acts strong, confident, like she's healed, but since Alli's loss, she's wanted me there every night to watch over her as she went to sleep. When she's sick or tired, she reaches for mommy to comfort her even during her preteen years. She can't stand being around those in pain and in mourning because she has the kind of empathy where she senses others' emotions and is often strongly influenced by them. She's gone from being an extrovert, eager to interact with others, to being an introvert, unwilling to let most people in. Losing her sister broke her, and she's still trying to put the pieces back together. She had a bullying situation and a teacher that was overbearing that damaged her further, but it all started when her world was shattered on one bright day in late June almost 8 years ago.
(Healing hearts)
