When Elderly Parents Fade

(My family when we were young)

I've been blogging about child loss.  This week's focus will be on a different kind of loss.  A few years ago, my vibrant, hard-working father started to fade.  The doctor diagnosed him with senility.  He could no longer work as he had.  He couldn't drive as he always had.  He couldn't learn or remember.  As he walked away from his last job and mourned the loss of his license, he still tried to function and did a pretty good job.  But as the years passed, he became less and less eager to get out and about.  He'd go to movies then return to his bed, his TV, and his beloved little Pom-poo (Pomeranian poodle) we brought him and that he loved with all of his heart. 

(At the Bear Lake Beach, camping with Mom, Dad, our Pomeranian, and Dad's dog.)

A couple of years ago, we knew he was fading and took him and my mom to southern Utah, where they both wanted to go to see Zion's and Bryce.  We've taken him on a few little adventures over the years because we knew he had a traveling bone.  Over the last year, he's increasingly faded to the point that his only opportunity to see the light of day was periodic trips to the movies and walks with his dog.  On July Fourth, most of my full siblings and I got together with Mom and Dad for a barbecue.  My unstable-footed father rolled down the last two steps and broke his foot in two places.  He got out even less, mostly staying in bed. 

(Flying away for vacation)

All of his life, he longed to see Disneyland, but they never could afford it when he was young, and then through his first wife plus four kids, his brief second marriage, and his marriage with seven kids to my mom, he never could afford it.  So we, two of his daughters and our families and one of his sons and his family, took him to California.  We helped my elderly parents pay for Disneyland and their hotel.  We surrounded him with love as we celebrated his life and 78th birthday to come, doing just what he wanted to do. 

(Dad enjoying Disney with us.)

He only did California Adventure, Disneyland, a beach, and church while there, spending the rest of the time in bed.  He fell on the slick floors of the hotel a couple of times.  But he came back okay.  We got him home.  He and Mom drove up to my brother's house to pick up his beloved Pom-poo.  Mom went out for a few minutes, then she came back in to find him speaking incomprehensibly, in a way that seemed to indicate he'd just had a stroke. 

Over the last several days, he's been tested and prodded as all family that could rushed to visit, including three kids and some grandkids from his previous marriage.  We have started to pull together to support him.  It turns out it wasn't a stroke but possibly a seizure, though we're still not sure. 

(My Dad over the years)

All I know is the dad I've built a fairly close relationship over the years, the dad that went from a distant, angry tyrant, to a soft, sweet grandpa to my kids, the dad with whom I joked and played pinochle with, the dad that could be hard and sweet by turns, has become like a small child, frustrated in this shell, which is all that is left of his body.  He can't move much but still struggles to get around when the hospital staff won't let him because he could cause more damage.  He is used to being able to get out and do when he wants, even though he mostly doesn't want anymore. And now, no one can understand much of what he says.  He's stuck in a place where strange faces drift in and out of his consciousness, some of which he feels like he should remember.  He's become helpless, like a small baby, but with memories of being so much more.  It hurts to see him like this, but I'm thankful he's not gone entirely.  Not yet, but who knows what tomorrow or next month or next year will bring?  Meanwhile, my mother is left alone, trying to support him and deal with an empty house.  I'm thankful we could be there for them, but it's hard not to be able to do more. 

I miss him.  I miss my daddy and wish I'd hugged him a little more, talked to him a little more often, just given him more of myself.  I know when he leaves here, he'll go see my brother, who he loved fiercely and who died the month before Alli did.  I know his mother and several other family members are waiting to embrace his return.  But in the meantime, we'll do the best we can for him.  I just wish we could do more. 

Another Vacation without Her

It can be painful to go on a vacation, knowing at least one of your family members isn't there.  Now, I think she joins us when we go.  But it's just not the same thing when you can't hold that other family member, when you can't turn to them and point to something exciting.  I often wonder what she would be like, how she would respond.  I feel that hole in my family most keenly when I leave home. 

I miss her so much on these trips.  I'm looking forward to leaving for a while, to escape.  But I wish she could be nearby, taking it all in as well.  It just feels like all the colors are off without her.  Nothing feels right. 

Like I said, I can pray to invite her.  I truly think she will enjoy being with us when we go.  I just wish she could be visible.  One day.