Child Loss:

For those seeking survival and joy after child loss.

Sunday, April 26, 2020

Mourning Traditions Interrupted?



Every year, we travel on Alli's angelversary.  We have something planned for that day, a trip to Yellowstone, but we have no idea if that's even going to be a possibility.  The park's pretty much closed down until two weeks before that dreaded date.  And that's subject to change, based on the quarantine situation.  There's absolutely no guarantee we will be able to do that or anything on her date.  If things continue as they have been, or there's a resurgence or worsening as many predict, we may be stuck at home.  And that's the thing we dread most of all, to be stuck in our own skins, unable to keep ourselves busy with anything but self-pity and flashbacks. 


It's not so much the trip, itself, I'm dying for.  We've gone to Yellowstone for most of the last several years.  We know it well.  We like it, but we're not expecting to see anything we haven't seen before.  We're excited to be going with two other siblings and their families.  We haven't been able to do much as a larger family since the holidays.  We already missed doing anything or going anywhere for Easter, and we ALWAYS meet for Easter.  The more I think about how it may have to be cancelled, the sadder I become, in spite of the fact that the location, itself, isn't the most exciting thing.  If this trip is cancelled due to the current situation, that means any other plans we could make would most likely go up in flames.


It's too early to start thinking about that date, dreading it, stewing on the possible cancellation of our campout and all that could entail.  I usually don't start that until at least the beginning of June.  But with so many things upended, turned on their ears, this feels like it could be yet another one.  It shouldn't be a big deal that this one trip should go up on the coronavirus pyre.  I hope it won't become one.  But it may be, and there's nothing any of us can do about it.