[Newborn Alli]
[Hiking: Source]
This time, we decided to head to a major hike up Mt. Timpanogos. One of the kids tripped a couple of days before, so we decided the strain of that hike would be too much. Instead, we stayed at a bed and breakfast and drove up the Uintas. Our end goal was a fossil museum in Wyoming and a shorter hike in that same vicinity. We spent the day busy and didn't arrive home until late. I thought in a distant way of Alli but didn't feel the pain.
[3-way tummy time-a pic from Alli's baby book]
The next day, we went through Alli's baby book. I felt the standard emptiness, a few tears, but I didn't break down. Until I talked to my therapist. It's been good to talk through my pain with an outside set of ears. We've been working on trying to separate the joy we had from holding her for four months from the trauma of DCSF attempting to frame us for homicide. Usually, I can mentally close the door at the end of a session. This time, especially with how recent the anniversary was, I collapsed into an agonized puddle and felt gutted the rest of the day. It was also the day I had to do grading, a thing I changed classes to avoid. Grading eats me alive if I let it, leaving me very little time for time with my kids or anything else. The two events left me traumatized and wrung out. I survived, but it was hard.
[mourning: source]
I know it's good to let myself feel it sometimes. It's good to push through the pain to find healing. But it was rough. It's not something I'm eager to experience again, but I'm sure it was therapeutic. Somehow. I'm just glad that day only comes once a year.
