Easter

[Not enough baskets: source]

 It's on a holiday like today you notice who is missing. You look over the two dozen eggs and two Easter baskets and wish there were three of each. You'd pay any price to fill that last spot and have it mean something more than an empty gesture. 

[The empty space where her basket ought to be: Source]

It's not that the coming of the holiday messes with my mind and heart, not like the coming of the holiday season. I don't dread it like I do her birthday or angelversary. I often don't even miss that third basket. But today, it's there like a shadow of emptiness. 

[The true meaning of Easter: source]

It's because of my loss(es) I'm thankful for the meaning of Easter, that it reminds us that the Lord suffered and died for my pain and yours, so He would understand our pain and overcome death and hell for us. It's for that reason I can survive every day, knowing I will hold her again, that we'll be a complete family, together forever, one day. I don't know how I would make it through this loss without that knowledge. It doesn't make it easy. But it does make it survivable. 

Another Angelversary Came and Went

[The tiny coffin I will never forget]

On June 29, as it does every year, the Angelversary came.  My brother had just had a close brush with death when a car hit him while he was on vacation.  He's recovering now and will probably go back to full functionality at some point, which is a miracle.  Mortality was fresh on my mind as I entered the Dreaded Date.  I'd been keeping so busy that I was mostly able to ignore it until it came upon us.  I had one brief crying bout the night before when Mom called and in the morning when I was posting my dread and her pictures on FaceBook.  Mostly, I had held up well.  But I knew the real tears were yet to come. They had to be.  It's part of mourning and loss.  

[Temple-Source]

After that, we were finally able to go back to the temple on Alli's day.  It's either been on a weekend or during COVID for the last free-flow years.  It was good to be able to do that for her, and I thought of her as we did it.  

[4-Wheeler]

Then, after that, it was all about keeping our minds off the pain, as we do every year.  We've been to Lava Hotsprings, Craters of the Moon, Bear Lake, Yellowstone National Park, and several other places on that day, doing anything but stay home and stew.  This time, we went up the canyon near our house and rented a four-wheeler for almost four hours, taking a couple of cousins with us.  Most of it was an adventure as we shot up dirt roads, inhaling dust, as we saw sights like a plane crash zone and an obscure lake we'd never seen before since they are so far off the beaten path.  It was boring and fun by turns.  I think my favorite part, other than spending time with family, was smelling the wildflowers, fields and fields of them with a medley of pungent aromas.  

 

[Her peaceful face not long before she left us, holding a doll that looks like her.]

It wasn't until we got home, and I pulled out Alli's baby book that the tears flowed freely.  They hit like a wall, all the way through her book with her happy face and bright eyes.  The worst part was when I got to her cold, waxen face and that tiny coffin.  Just twenty or so pages in.  Too short a time.  I lost it and cried harder than I have in a long, long time.  But they were good tears, healing tears.  Even with the ending, it will still go down in memory as one of the better angelversary days because we spent it together, I didn't have to mourn another death, and starting the day with the temple visit reminds us we will hold her again and be together forever.  

Happy Mother's Day?

[source]

Mother's Day is one of those holidays that is such a mixed bag for so many people.  It's a time to remember mothers but also a time for mothers to remember children.  For women with darling children all around, or for women who have older children living nearby, it's a time to pull children close as they embrace her and give her gifts from the heart.  For those whose children and/or grandchildren live far away, it's a hard day. For single or married women who never had kids or who have never had the chance to hold any of their kids who came and went, it's often a time to be keenly aware of what and whom they don't have.  For women who have emotionally lost children in whatever way, it's a time of pain and reminders.  For those who have lost a wife and/or mother, it's a day of sadness. For those whose babies have fur, it can be a time of joy and/or sadness, depending on which side of the rainbow bridge they're on.  For women like me who have angel children, it will never be the same.  As with Christmas, we'd like to think of it as a day for simple joy, but that joy can be complicated or absent. 

[source]

But it's also a day to remember and embrace the bond we do have with relatives and friends and animal companions.  It's easy to get so focused on whatever you're doing, whatever feels critical at the time. But times like these, and, ideally, every day, it's a thing of power to stop whatever we're doing and truly just live in the moment.  It's a time to cherish and hold your human children or fur babies close, to not push them away because they don't fit in our schedules.  

[source]

Even just a few years ago, I found myself pushing away from human and animal children alike, finding their clinginess frustrating.  I was busy.  Why couldn't they understand?  I had a dog of my own for the first time and found him annoyingly needy because I'd always been a cat person.  But then, I had a moment of realization.  I was the one who didn't understand.  They just wanted me to love them.  That's all they wanted.  So I opened my heart and fully embraced their arms or paws reaching out.  I found all my love was returned in spades.  It was so worth it.  It somehow hurt so much more to lose a baby to whom I'd given my whole heart. But it was worth it because of those four months of pure joy.  

[source]

I hope that whatever your status as a mother, as a parent, as a child, you can find joy on this day of reminders and, better yet, that you can give joy to those you love most, whether they be here or beyond the veil.  That is, after all, what this day is about.  Happy Mother's day.