When Your Doctor's Office Doesn't Get the Memo

[texting-source]

I got a text a couple of weeks ago that felt like a punch to the gut. "Alamanda hasn't been to see the doctor in a while. It's time to set your appointment." Something like that. Now, I know my doctor has been with us since before my first was born. He's great. But he recently turned a lot of work over to his nurse, who is new. She didn't know she was inquiring about my baby who died 12 years ago in an accident that killed my innocence and ripped out my heart. She didn't mean to send a trigger. But in not checking the file, she sent me a major trigger. 

[Fixing up a house-source]

Then, a short time later, I had to text back because of a UTI. I haven't had a UTI since I had one of my last miscarriages. Pregnancy usually brings UTIs, not working all day on fixing up a house we built 3 years ago, just so my sister could trash it in those short years. Oh, and not hydrating enough in the process. So when the blood came, it reminded me of a miscarriage. And the diagnosis reminded me of pregnancy. Yeah, that's another fun trigger. Brings everything back, so I have to stare at it. 

[The nurse comes in-source]

And when I went to talk face-to-face with that same nurse who sent me the misdirected text, she didn't know my history either. She expressed sympathy but no knowledge of my 16+ miscarriages. Trigger.  One would hope that your doctor's office and any reps thereof would get the memo on stuff like this. It's easy to trigger someone when you blunder into a person's health history unprepared.  I'm trying not to get bitter about the little things. It would just be nice if someone did her research. But if one hasn't gone through it, it's hard to know what a landmine such a history is. I try to remember that. It can just be hard some days. 

Unexpected Reactions

[Triggers of Christmas-source]

There are certain things someone who hasn't lost a baby would see as mundane.  Yet, those things may trigger someone who does know that kind of catastrophic loss. I've responded to little things like blankets, empty swings, Christmas songs about babies, kindergarten graduations, pregnant women, and so many more little things I never would have expected. It's hard if not impossible to predict those triggers for an outsider, yet they can even take the grieving one by surprise.  

[ultrasounds-source]

For instance, one may see ultrasounds of babies as perfectly normal, not meriting a thought because they are so common.  Yet, to someone like me who has lost 17 babies in a row (a miscarriage, a child death, then 15 miscarriages with no rainbow to be seen), it's often a trigger.  I'd just be scrolling FaceBook, and there was a post filled with excitement and anticipation.  Most could say, "Congratulations" without a second thought. I'd have to wipe a tear and scroll past quickly.  Recently, I went in for a regular checkup. I was asked if a novice at ultrasounds could use me as a test run for her skills.  There was a time I may have found an empty space inside myself triggering.  Now, a fetus and impending loss would trigger me more. 

[doll-source]

Dolls can be very triggering, but possibly not for reasons you may expect.  We have a doll that looked so very much like the baby who passed away.  I've often felt twinges looking at it.  But the doll in the Halloween store that looked like my baby post-autopsy, created for ghoulish entertainment, made me swear off Halloween stores for a long time.  It's only recently that I can periodically step in since I haven't seen one since.  Recently, I saw an ad for a doll made to look like the image of a lost baby or a baby long since grown.  To me, it looked like a dead baby.  Once again, I reacted far more violently than I would have expected.  

[Minefield-source]

These reactions have gotten increasingly rare over time, but the world still feels like a minefield after a war.  You never know when you may step on a bomb, and you pray it doesn't happen at the worst times.  I am thankful to know I will hold my babies again, that families are forever.  But that doesn't stop those mines from creeping \up on me, not entirely.  I wonder if their disappearance will be a sign that I've finally healed.