For a while after we lost our baby, we went to a support group at a retirement home, mainly peopled by those who had lost a spouse. It gave me a clear-eyed view of how difficult it was to lose a spouse with whom one had lived for decades, how hard it would be to constantly want to look over for advice to the seat next to you only to find it empty, to not even know what to wear or to eat because half the brain was gone. I cannot imagine how hard this must be.
What most stuck with me from those times attending those sessions was words of wisdom shared by the licensed counselor in charge of the meetings. I'd heard before in the support group Shareparents and other sources about the five stages of mourning: 1. denial and isolation, 2. anger, 3. bargaining, 4. depression, and 5. acceptance. [5 stages] The counselor and my experience taught me there's nothing organized or clear-cut about these so-called "stages." Stages in social science are usually a little more predictable, like stages of childhood. Concerning these emotions, one can experience all of them or none of them in a day. One can feel acceptance of the situation one second and then see something that reminds you of them, a trigger, and be off into the land of depression then scream out in fury all in the course of a few minutes. One can skip one or multiple ones of these. There is nothing like I would call stage-like in these stages.
It only surprised me a little to find a book scientifically debunking these five stages, The Truth about Grief by Ruth Konigsburg. [Truth about Grief] According to Konigsburg, the stages' origin was in Kubler-Ross's head, not in science, and had more to do with acceptance of one's own death than acceptance of anyone else's. Konigsberg also went on to say that there is no scientific basis or reliable study to back these stages. What the book did not give me in a way that satisfied me was a really good definition of what healing is or a way to know when one is "healed." Their definition seemed to state healing means coping and maybe moving on from spousal death to new relationships. I don't see this as a particularly useful definition in general, and certainly not when it comes to the loss of a child. The book also said that people who had been through grief weren't particularly good experts on the subject of loss. That strikes be as being false since I find those who haven't suffered deep grief don't seem to understand it like for those who have.
I have heard two truly useful things about grief, one from the counselor in the aforementioned support group and one from an LDS General Conference talk from October 2012 by Elder Shayne Bowen, "Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also." [https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/10/because-i-live-ye-shall-live-also?lang=eng] The counselor said that one's emotions tend to be all over the place as one zips through the different "stages" of grief. And this, from my experience, is true. He said that as long as one's progress is in an upward direction, meaning improving rather than getting worse, one is healing. If one is getting worse or finding no progress, that's when one needs to call on a counselor or other help. My husband and I both had to get a counselor, though he needed a little more help than I did. Everyone's grief experience is unique.
Concerning Elder Bowen's talk, he told the story of his infant, who asphyxiated on chalk. He talked about healing through faith and through Jesus Christ's atonement, or suffering, death, and resurrection. The whole talk is well worth reading. But the part that stood out most to me was his description of healing. He said:
As I felt the guilt, anger, and self-pity trying to consume me, I prayed that my heart could change. Through very personal sacred experiences, the Lord gave me a new heart, and even though it was still lonely and painful, my whole outlook changed. I was given to know that I had not been robbed but rather that there was a great blessing awaiting me if I would prove faithful.
My life started to change, and I was able to look forward with hope, rather than look backward with despair. I testify that this life is not the end. The spirit world is real. The teachings of the prophets regarding life after death are true. This life is but a transitory step forward on our journey back to our Heavenly Father.
Elder Bowen also said we will never truly get over our loss until we are reunited on the other side of the veil or through the resurrection, and anyone who has been there could agree. We can, however, find cheer and joy and even gratitude for our pain because it shows we can love deeply. The Lord will help us endure. In my experience, having the Spirit near us can buffer us, help the pain feel less acute. According to Elder Bowen, we can still remember and feel the presence of our loved ones even through the veil and find peace. Even after five and a half years, I still don't feel like I can call myself healed by any sense of the word, but I no longer suffer as I did and for the most part, have found peace and joy. I know my angel Alli is near when I need her, and she's still very much a part of my family.
Healing is individual. If it helps some people to look to "The Five Stages," then it's good they can find something that will help, some kind of hope for a better emotional state. If one wants to look to scientifically proven resources or counseling for comfort, that is also a valid route. Some people may even need a prescription to survive the pain. But in my view, healing can only go so far without the help and comfort of God's hand, the knowledge that we can be together with our angels again. I know that's my source of hope and peace in this life.
