I have had healing conversations before, chats with people who make me feel understood and my concerns appreciated. This week, I had one of the more healing discussions that I've had in a while. Just after my baby died, I joined all these support groups online and in person because that's what I needed at the time. I haven't needed that for a while. But I've also been a bit stymied about what else I could do to seek healing. I have done everything I knew to do including reading books on healing, studying scriptures, sincerely praying, joining support groups, talking it out, and writing my pain. I purchased a book I have been told I need to read about healing spiritually, The Infinite Atonement, so that's one item on my to-do list. But otherwise, I was at a loss as to achieve forward momentum.
Then through a series of Providential events, I ran into my sister's friend who had lost her baby less than a year ago. I was impressed with how much peace and joy she was able to attain immediately. She had sacred spiritual experiences that helped her, but it seemed like a gift from God that she was able to accept and find peace with her loss before she even left the hospital. Within a short time of her loss, through angelic visitations and inspiration, she was at a point where she could find joy in the memories rather than ache over her loss. I'm sure she still has down times, but her healing process was nowhere near as rocky as mine has been. I am 6 years out and still haven't found the joy and peace she received right away.
She hit upon a possible cause for this. Just after our baby died, the state attempted to tear apart our family. Through purjury, tampering with evidence, and other unlawful actions, they put my husband and I through hell for power and financial gain. I won't go into details at this time, but needless to say, the situation made graceful, immediate healing impossible.
Through a series of miracles and divine interventions, we were eventually delivered from their power. But whenever we start to think about our baby, the pain of that series of injustices we suffered eats at both of us. I read these books about healing and finding consolation after loss, but the authors don't talk about complicated healing. They don't talk about how to find joy and light when your world is plunged into darkness beyond just loss. That's the book I need to write one of these days, particularly with the help of my husband since so little has been written by fathers of angels.
My new friend suggested that we write out the events of those months in all their lurid, ugly detail and then burn that record, bury it and let it go, forgive the people and events involved. I thought I had let it go, but when she made this suggestion, it felt right. Even though the supervisor was removed from ongoing cases for breaking laws in another case, even though the direct "investigator" who committed so many crimes against us is no longer in the area or even working for the same organization, we are still haunted, fearful, angry. Every knock at the door feels like a threat. It's hard to trust or feel safe. There is so much pain still beneath the surface, and not all of it loss.
I pray I can find a way to follow this friend's very wise and inspired advice. I pray I can let that part of my pain go, so I can continue to heal. I also pray for those who suffer like this, who go through a loss complicated by family, legal, financial, or other considerations. I know I'm not alone in this. I know others need my voice, and one day, the Lord will guide me to a way I can use it.
