It still occasionally comes as a shock when I hear of someone casually talking about deciding to have a baby, as if that's such an easy choice for some people. For a lot of people, it really is. Once one child gets to a certain age, many people simply expect you to be considering the next. People just assume that considering leads to acting, which leads to a child.
And then there are people who struggle with infertility and/or serial miscarriage like me. There is no such thing as "expecting." The only thing I'm expecting on the rare times I do get pregnant is loss. There is no such thing as casually deciding to have another baby. After fifteen [sixteen? I've lost count] miscarriages in a row, seventeen losses in a row, including Alli's passing, I won't try again. Pregnancy would be synonymous with loss. One follows the other. And I can't go there again. There will be no rainbow baby for me.
Most of the time, I'm fine with this. I've come to terms with this after so many years. But when someone talks of having a baby as a casual or even possible choice, I'm reminded of the choices I no longer have. I can't expect people to stop talking like that. As with everything, I just have to accept it's going to come and try to be happy for the other person for whom it is a choice.
