It's hard to say which is worse, losing someone without warning as I did with Alli or knowing you're going to lose someone before you do. In the latter case, you get closure. You get to say goodbye. In the former case, you get neither of those things, but you also don't endure the fear and the period of mourning long before mourning really begins.
I started to think about this recently as someone I know sits by the bedside of her sick child. I can't know if she'll lose the child, but the fear eats her alive. Her every waking thought and breath are devoted to her child, knowing that she could lose her at any time. I never had to go through that. But with the way I went to work, made a call home, and learned my baby was gone in rapid succession, I don't feel like I had the closure I may have had.
I guess the real question is does it hurt more when you can see the bus coming before it hits? Either way, it hurts. It hurts so badly you feel like you're going to die, that a heart can't take that much pain and survive. Most of the time, I am buffered from the pain anymore. The pain has become a part of me, like my leg or my arm. But also, the Lord has helped me through, has shielded me from some of the pain. But that doesn't mean the pain isn't there.
Loss is just hard, whether you see it coming or not. There's no way around it. Knowing families can be together forever helps but doesn't end that pain. I can't hold my baby right now. My arms are still empty. I have something to hope for as will my friend if she does lose her baby. She, too, knows she will hold her baby again one day. But not until that day.
It's hard to see her in front of that metaphoric bus of loss, knowing it could very well hit at any time. It's hard not to be able to do anything to prevent that bus from hitting. I pray for her, but I know if the Lord wills it, if it's her baby's time, all the prayer in the world will not stop the bus. All I can do is hold her hand and unite with her in prayer, help her understand that if the bus hits, I'll be there for her, no matter what. For now, that will have to be enough.
