I was actually kind of looking forward to my angel's birthday in two days because it seemed I would be too busy working then being with family then going to my child's party that I wouldn't have to think. Now, due to a pending storm, I'll have plenty of time to think and not much to anticipate but another day to suffer through. And I'm feeling it hard. I was fine earlier today. Then thoughts of yet another refusal from a publisher, a long, hard week of small frustrations, and then this disappointment all hit at once.
And now, I stare into the face of another birthday without her. Another day of hollow acknowledgement that my arms are still empty. That my rainbow never has never and will never come.
Most of the time, I'm fine. Most of the time, the blues don't get me down. I can try to live in the gratitude for what I have rather than mourning for what and whom I've lost. Much of the time, I feel like I've come a long way toward healing.
But when those anniversaries strike, whether it be on the day or not, they strike hard. And all the scabbing and peace I've built up to protect me from the pain peels away. And I'm left with only the pain. I'll probably be okay tomorrow. I'll somehow survive the birthday. The birthday that was supposed to be forever more a joint princess birthday party.
But right now, it just hurts. And it sucks. And no amount of peace the rest of the time stops the pain right now.
"Some days are like that, even in Australia."-Judith Viorst.
