My great niece is going to be born any day now. On one hand, I celebrate inside because it means I get to hold a baby in pink and play with baby toes. On the other hand, I will be praying inside, nervous the whole time leading to the birth, the time of birth, and even after baby is here. Most people sigh with relief when a baby is here safely. Having lost a babies in and out of the womb, I know babies are fragile in all their stages. I'd be paralyzed with fear if it were my own baby. Even watching my nephew and his wife, with whom I have been close for several years, bringing a baby to this earth scares me.
Babies are just scary to me for their sake. They're scary for me for my sake, too, because I have lost too many times before. I can't help it. Babies equal loss to me. I know most babies live. This little princess will probably outlive me by many years. But just thinking about a baby makes me cry. There was a time I envied women who called themselves "expecting" because they were pregnant. It's been years since I've expected anything but loss, even when I was pregnant. There was also a time I envied those with babies. Now, I realize I don't envy any of it because babies mean fear to me. I'm much more at peace letting other people deal with the stress. I'll be grateful for my older kids and the chance to hold other people's babies.
