I thought I was over baby jealousy. I told myself I was, anyway. Most days, I'm fine that we've given up on trying to get pregnant after 14 miscarriages and a baby loss. I usually don't have a problem being surrounded by pregnant ladies or little babies. At least, anymore. Right after I lost my baby, all of that was really hard. Usually, I'm fine. I'm grateful for the two I can hold now and for my angels I will hold one day.
But today was a little harder than most. A friend who had a stillbirth recently seems to be successfully pregnant again. Another friend is nervous about the twins she's expecting. It seems so effortless for some people. I keep telling myself this is the way it is, and I've learned to accept it. But on days like today, I can't help but feel a little hurt. I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong as a parent that I wasn't so blessed. I know this is not a great way to think about it, that some really wonderful people don't have even one they can hold. But all the logic in the world doesn't still those frustrating little thoughts and the emotional pain of all I've lost and what I won't get anytime soon. Most days, I'm thankful for all with which I've been blessed. But we all have our days when what we don't have weighs heavy on us. Sigh.
