Now, I'm older. I don't think I'm filling the parental hole in my life. I think what I've done instead is fill the hole not having a baby has left in my life. When my husband and I first got married, we had a rational two cats. Okay, the cats weren't rational, but the number of pets was. For the first few years of our marriage as we had one child then another, we added a few more here and there, mostly to entertain the kids. The cats were the love of my little girl's life. The hamster was to keep my boy happy when we were about to have another girl instead of a boy. [It took us pretty much the whole hamster's life to finally admit that whereas we had tried to get a boy hamster, so he didn't feel the imbalance in the force quite as much, we only ended up tipping it female just a bit more.] We got a bearded dragon because my boy was all about dinosaurs, and that was as close as we could get. We got fish because the kids found them fascinating and pretty to watch.
But then, after Alli died, our pet population exploded: cats [now five], rats [several, now down to zero], dogs [one then two then three and back to two again], guinea pigs [two, though that phase passed quickly when the stunk up the house and woke my girl every morning with their squealing], snakes [several at one point because my boy loves snakes], ducks [sold], bunnies [we've gone through several over the years and are now down to two that we rescued], chickens [12 at one point, but the raccoons wiped out so many that we only have a few left], lizards [still have two], frogs [all gone], goats [sold as soon as they ran away one too many times], and I'm sure I'm missing one or two more. But we've had an insane number of pets. Part of it was because the kids wanted to try out this animal or that one.
But I think a bigger part of it was because I was filling a hole. I couldn't go out and buy a baby, but I could go out and buy a baby, but I could go out and buy something else to care for like a snake or a bunny or a chicken. But none of them scratched the itch. None filled the hole. So I slowly pared down to a few cats, two dogs, a couple of lizards, two bunnies, and a handful of chickens. That still may sound like a lot, but it's sane compared to what it was, and the greater part of the population stays outdoors. The cats do the best job of filling the hole left by babies because they're snuggly and warm and like to be held. But I have had to come to terms with the idea that animals just cannot be what I want them to be. However, I can be what they need me to be, which is their caretaker who gives them the attention/food/water/etc. they need. It's good to identify what's happening, so I can seek my solace elsewhere and let the animals be whatever they want and need to be.
