So far, I think I've done pretty well with being happy for my sister's baby. I truly am happy for my sister. She wanted this baby and she's delighted to have him. It's just hard not to also feel and undercurrent of--what? jealousy? pain?--something. A sense that the world is moving on without me as I'm surrounded by women who can happily and without effort--or with little effort--have a baby simply because they want to, it's time, or their body just works that way, whether they want it to or not.
Every time one of these women whose body actually works starts to complain about the horrors and pains of pregnancy, I want to shake them and remind them that at least they get those symptoms, and those symptoms don't go away until they have a baby to take home. At least they will get a reward for going through all of that. I want to remind them to be grateful for the swollen ankles, the back aches, the nausea, the tiny bladder syndrome, and even the violence of the unborn upon their internal organs because at least that means a baby is coming, and they will be able to hold and love that baby instead of bury it. I understand being uncomfortable. It isn't fun to be pregnant. I get that. I've been pregnant 19 times. I just wish I had more than two live children to show for it. I imagine if you put all of those months of pregnancies cut short together, I'd have at least nine months.
But at least these women with swollen ankles and pain generally look forward to holding that baby. I have a hard time contemplating those who decide that they'd rather intentionally kill than hold their baby. I know there are reasons, and some of them are valid. It's just hard for me when I naturally go through what other women pay for. Like someone may envy me for this inevitable result to any pregnancy. I just can't imagine that mindset. And I don't wish to. It all makes me very sad.
I guess I can remind myself to be grateful that, unlike many women with fertility issues, I can actually hold two live babies. I can remind myself that I'm fortunate to have faith that I will hold my unborn one day. I can be grateful for the fleet of angels who watch over us and sometimes even help in the answering of our prayers. There is much for which I can be grateful. But there are times when it's hard to remember all I have when I'm focused on what I don't. I just can't let those times last.
