So we have a theory about our miscarriages. Before, I thought that when we gave up on trying to have a baby, the Lord may still send a sweet little one then protect him or her when the time was right. I've now come to the conclusion that no matter how a baby comes and when, my body will just not support a baby. In fact, I'm fairly certain I have an unknown medical condition that is taking out the babies. It may be another antibody. It may be that my hormones don't kick in. There's no way to say. But I had a good two weeks of using the pills the doctor gave me to ward off baby loss--baby aspirin, progesterone, and prostaglandin--and it still did not help. I still lost the baby at roughly the same time as the later ones of the others. We can't know what's going on.
But at this point, we can know that my body will not support a baby. There will be no rainbow baby for me, at least until the Second Coming and the Resurrection. Then, I will have my army of angels where I can hold and love them. Until then, I have to be grateful for what I have and continue in the hardest kind of faith, the "but if not" faith. Elder Simmons of the LDS church described true faith, faith in the Lord that will not be shaken even when our prayers don't seem to be answered as we're hoping. Lord, I want this. But if not, I will still trust and believe. And that is where I live, in the land of but if not faith. I will not hold a rainbow baby, but I can be grateful for my angels and grateful for the children I can hold. My peace and joy are both in gratitude.
